I used to be your brother…
(Journal Entry #564739)
Haha, I know you’re like, I used to be your brother????? Well yea! If you’ve been reading up until this point you should have already peeped some of the photos shared and also got a feel for my mentality. I was literally your brother!
But now… now I’m your sister and I’m trying to navigate this side of things. Although, I enjoy wearing mascara, lipstick and gloss and I even enjoy wearing full flowing dresses, I still find myself going back to how I was.
How I was NOT in the sense that I’m about to be out here all willy nilly with women but how I was in the sense that I sometimes don’t know how or want to be “girly”.
I remember going out to lunch with my mom and Granna and my mom was sitting on the seat in the waiting area. I came and plopped down next to her and she almost went flying. I told her that I was still rough around the edges. We laughed. But in all seriousness, this is difficult.
So many things to unlearn. I remember when I would go shopping as a child with either my mom or dad and how I would always gravitate toward hoodies and sweats. I was self-conscious. Or how as I grew older, I would always shop in the men’s section because I didn’t feel “pretty” enough to dress like my friends. But now that I find myself in the woman’s section, I’m lost.
I know you’re probably like “Kristyn, this can’t be true! You’re so fly!” Well, yea haha but I find it so hard trying to find MY style. My only secret is that I spruce up my boyish ways with large hoop earrings and a head wrap.
I often wonder that because I’m still a little tomboyish, will people still think I haven’t changed? Do I need to completely change my outer so people will see how glorious God is? Because I am “rough around the edges” am I not approachable to the opposite sex? Like, I have so many questions as to how to do this…
Growing up, I always had friends “prettier” then me and would feel so out of place because they were getting spoken to and I was sitting there as a spectator. Even as an adult, I find myself in the same situations.
I am reminded that when God gave me beauty for ashes, He didn’t just give me the beauty on the outside. He gave me the beauty on the inside. The beauty to be able to change my mentality of how I see myself. Beauty for Ashes simply means that I was given a second chance. I was able to give Him every dirt filled, non-prosperous thing I had such as my insecurity and self-doubt. Able to give Him everything freely.
So the difference now, at this very moment, I understand that my beauty is more than what’s on the outer. I am now at peace with what I may look like to others because I can only be me. The me that God has destined for greatness.